It's okay, I'm okay.

I've had a whirlwind of a summer. But I'm okay. I've learned some awesome coping skills. I've learned some things about myself. I've been open about my struggles with depression and anxiety with my friends. So they're starting to understand more why I react to certain things. They don't let me isolate myself, which I tend to do when I'm not feeling well. 

I've been handling my stress better. I've learned how to ignore the things that don't matter. Well, I'm still learning, but it's a work in progress, right? I'm still working on not taking things too personally. 

Deep breaths, self care.  My therapist said something one day and I hold on to it. When you're on an airplane, who's oxygen mask do you put on first? Your own. You need to help yourself before you can help others.

So that's what I've been working on. 

And it's okay.

I'm okay.

Hungover

So this thing happens to me after high levels of stress. It feels similar to a hangover, but doesn't go away with fluids, Tylenol, and fried food. It started when I was younger. My brother and I used to fly to see our dad every summer. When we got home, it would take longer than normal for me to adjust. 

When I was 13, I visited my dad at Christmas. My older brother was already living there. It wasn't a terrible visit, but by the end of two weeks I was definitely ready to come home. 

I get overstimulated and shut down. 

My connecting flight was in Chicago. Chicago was snowed in. My choice was to stay in Oregon a few more days or reroute my flight. I chose to land at Dulles and have my aunts help me get to my connecting flight. 

I remember doing what my Auntie Sue called "the OJ run" through the airport but still missed my connecting flight. I would have to try again in the morning.

I remember feeling nauseous and my head starting to hurt. Everyone wanted to talk to me; I just wanted to crawl into a dark hole. 

The next morning I got on a puddle jumper and flew into Norfolk. My head was throbbing. 

I missed a week of school because of tension headaches. 

That was my first experience with those.

Now I get them regularly, and can usually stop them before they get too bad. 

But nothing is touching this one I have. It's a dull pain. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad my older brother came for our younger brother's college graduation, but the stress has overwhelmed me. I wish my body didn't react this way.

I've Seen Better Days

For whatever reason, I'm not sleeping again.  I went to bed at 11, woke up in the 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 o'clock hours before throwing in the towel and getting out of bed.
I also had my first dose of anti-depressant today.
So I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I have an anti-anxiety med if needed, but I'm holding off because I'm already tired from lack of sleep and I don't want to throw anything else in there.

I don't drink caffeine. I'm already prone to insomnia. These meds can make me tired and restless. I'm trying not to think about that right now.   I'm trying to focus on the big picture.  On how I might start to enjoy things again. On how my mood won't be as unpredictable.

One of the things that's been hard is the lack of emotion. I don't really feel anything. But at the same time, I know that things can be better.   So today, I'm believing that things will be better.

Wishing, waiting, hoping

I'm in a waiting room right now. And I would rather be anywhere else. Why? Because I am waiting to see the Psychiatrist. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for a very long time, but I'm finally trying to do something about it.

For so long I thought if I ignored this problem it would go away. That if I pretended I wasn't depressed, that I was happy and okay, I would become happy and okay. Spoiler alert: you can't change your chemical makeup. Accepting that this was beyond my control was step one. Making the active decision to get help was step two, and that's where I'm at right now. 

Active decision. That sounds strange, I know. But here's the thing- I know the things I should and shouldn't do. But being able to actually do them is a problem for me right now. I can have the internal dialogue all I want, but until o actually do something about it, it means nothing. 

I should have made this appointment weeks ago, right after my intake appointment. But I was afraid. I still am. Fear seems to rule right now. 

I'm afraid to post this. To let people see what's really going on.  But if I'm truly honest with myself, people can see that I'm not okay. And maybe by sharing this,I can a) stop internalizing my feelings and b) let others know they're not alone. Because most of the time, I feel alone.