Wishing, waiting, hoping

I'm in a waiting room right now. And I would rather be anywhere else. Why? Because I am waiting to see the Psychiatrist. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for a very long time, but I'm finally trying to do something about it.

For so long I thought if I ignored this problem it would go away. That if I pretended I wasn't depressed, that I was happy and okay, I would become happy and okay. Spoiler alert: you can't change your chemical makeup. Accepting that this was beyond my control was step one. Making the active decision to get help was step two, and that's where I'm at right now. 

Active decision. That sounds strange, I know. But here's the thing- I know the things I should and shouldn't do. But being able to actually do them is a problem for me right now. I can have the internal dialogue all I want, but until o actually do something about it, it means nothing. 

I should have made this appointment weeks ago, right after my intake appointment. But I was afraid. I still am. Fear seems to rule right now. 

I'm afraid to post this. To let people see what's really going on.  But if I'm truly honest with myself, people can see that I'm not okay. And maybe by sharing this,I can a) stop internalizing my feelings and b) let others know they're not alone. Because most of the time, I feel alone.